Je N'ai Pas Des Mots
by Trumpet-Geek
Summary: RoyEd. Rated T for implications of sex. Three-shot based on Vic Mignogna's song of the same title. Chorus: making peace.
1. Verse One

**Je N'ai Pas De Mots**

_By:_ TG

_Disclaimer:_ Firstly, I adore Vic Mignogna. He's a great voice actor and musician, and he's the one who owns this song. Secondly, I obviously don't own FMA either, because if I did there would be lots more Ed and Roy lovin'.

_AN:_ I saw Vic and Travis at AFW6 a few weekends ago and it was amazing… I downloaded some of Vic's music and lo and behold, this came out. Please enjoy this series of one-shots based on Vic's song.

* * *

**Je N'ai Pas De Mots**

Verse One

_Come near and stand by me, baby._

_Close enough to reach out and pull you still closer._

_All that is swelling within me,_

_Must be a language I've never spoken til there was you._

_I fumbled,_

_Try but I stumbled,_

_Over all my heart wants to say now._

* * *

Edward had always assumed he wouldn't make it past his eighteenth birthday. He had known, deep down, that he would have to make an incredible sacrifice if he were to keep his promise to his brother, and he had accepted that with as much grace as he could and moved on.

Well, he was nineteen, and he had lived. Even if sometimes he wishes he hadn't.

Blonde hair fell into his eyes as he tipped his head up toward the night sky, looking but not really seeing. It had been three years. 1095 days since he had been home, since he'd argued theories with Alphonse, since he'd gotten an automail check-up from Winry, since he'd kissed Roy. Ed tried not to think too much about home, and, if he was honest with himself, he found himself dwelling on it less and less as the days went by. But some nights, like tonight, he felt like he had to think about it, or else he would burst from the memories.

Ed would say that he had few regrets. His brief trip back to his side of the Gate had proved that Alphonse had been returned to flesh and blood and that the homunculi were eradicated. Winry, Hawkeye, all the others from the office had moved on. The only regret he had, really, was Roy.

God, he missed him. Missed long fingers stroking his jaw and threading through his hair, missed the velvet softness of his voice, the color of his eyes and the shape of his nose. He missed the sound of the man's laughter and his moans, missed eating breakfast with him in the morning and going to bed with him at night. Ed missed Roy so much it left a hollow in his chest, and it _ached_.

There had been so much he wanted to tell the man, but there hadn't been the time. He had been so relieved to see Roy alive, even with the addition of the eye patch. They had traded words, and it was almost like old times until reality fell on their shoulders. He had to leave, the Gate needed to be closed behind him.

It wasn't until he was back here, in Germany, that he realized his one opportunity had forever been lost to the sands of time. The words had lined up on his tongue and now he could say them all he wanted, but the one person they were intended for would never hear them.

So he kept them inside, and life moved on without him.

* * *

TG © July 2010


	2. Verse Two

**Je N'ai Pas De Mots**

_By:_ TG

_Disclaimer:_ In previous chapter.

_AN:_ It's storming viciously right now and God knows I can't sleep, so here goes another chapter. Please enjoy. Also, the timeline of this fic is three years after the series. The movie did happen the year before this is taking place.

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**Je N'ai Pas De Mots**

Verse Two

_Come near and talk to me baby._

_How did you know you were_

_The dream of this dreamer?_

_Oh God how I thank you for reading,_

_In my heart the note I didn't even know that I wrote_

_Of what I longed for,_

_You gave me much more._

_Love is standing beside me._

* * *

Roy quietly closed the door to his house and stood for a moment in the dark entryway, contemplating. Outside he could hear thunder blooming in the distance. It was not yet raining, but he knew it would not be long before the first drops of rain pattered to the earth. He thought back to another rainy night two years ago, when he had stood before the body-less grave of Edward Elric.

That thought jolted him into motion, and he shucked his coat and headed straight for the liquor cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of Scotch, reached for a glass, and then decided to forgo the glass completely and took the bottle into the living room. Liquor had become his mistress and he indulged in her nearly every evening, now. At first, in the two years before Ed had come back through the Gate, Hawkeye did not visit him in his snowy outpost. He didn't blame her, he knew she had ideals about him and that it was hard for her to see him that low. Now he had his old command back, and it almost felt normal. He could not deny that Edward's absence had taken its toll on everyone. Ed had been like the office's little brother and it had been difficult on everyone to watch his empty casket lower into the ground that day. Even though they all saw him come back a year ago and knew now he wasn't dead, it was still clear as day that he wasn't coming back.

Roy had loved Edward. Still did. Ed's being missing would never change that fact. Ed's being on another _world_ wouldn't change it. He knew he had been lucky the day that Edward had come back a year ago. Not many men were given the chance to see their dead lover come to life, and Ed had been beautiful, bold and brilliant and Roy loved him even more in that moment than he thought he was capable of. It would kill him.

That was why, when Edward asked him to close the Gate, Roy knew that fate was mocking him. And therein lay the problem. Roy knew that closing the Gate was the best thing for the country. But that was _Edward_ on the other side, his lover, and it would kill him to close it knowing Ed would never come back again. Oh God, he had been selfish his entire life, no one could blame him for being selfish now.

Roy set down his scotch with a shaking hand and covered his face with his hands. Oh fuck. What had he done? What did he do by leaving the Gate open for a year? Edward was his life but this was _everyone's _lives, he cannot continue to play chicken with the Gate just because his life is over as soon as it is closed.

No, he was going to close the Gate. Tonight, he could –no. Tonight was for mourning. Tonight he was going to drink himself to oblivion. He forwent the glass of scotch and instead reached for the bottle.

He would do it tomorrow.

* * *

TG © July 2010


	3. Chorus

**Je N'ai Pas De Mots**

_By:_ TG

_Disclaimer:_ In first chapter.

_AN:_ I must apologize for three things. First, for the length of time it took me to post this. The second apology ties in with the first -the reason it took me ages is because I've moved on from the FMA fandom to the Hetalia fandom and I lost all gumption for this little ficclet. And the third apology is for all the line breaks. They are necessary, because while the first two chapters have been in strictly Roy's or Ed's POV, this one is in both. Hope you all enjoy this final chapter!

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**Je N'ai Pas De Mots**

Chorus

_Je n'ai pas de mots,  
Nothing seems to say the way you move me,  
Rushing through me,  
Je n'ai pas de mots,  
But a promise has been made you can believe this,  
From the first kiss,  
It's good that I dont have to speak to know that it's real,  
Je n'ai pas de mots._

* * *

Roy appreciated the irony of the situation. He prostrated himself before no one, and yet here he was, on his knees in front of the Gate. He had finished the lines of his alchemy ages ago, but hadn't been able to bring himself to seal the deal until now. Thoughts of Ed had kept the Gate open, but he realized that his selfishness might one day result in the destruction of hundreds of thousands of lives should the Gate remain open, and Ed would not want that, wouldn't want him to live with that sort of guilt.

So, he figured, it was time.

Roy allowed himself a moment to let the reality of what he was doing wash over him. It needed to be done, _had _to be done, but it meant that he would be damning himself to a half-life, never able to see, hear, touch his lover again.

Well. Ed had always joked that Roy must have been a masochist.

He leaned forward, drew the power into his fingertips, closed his eyes against the vicious saltwater that clouded them, and touched his hands to the ground.

* * *

Ed wasn't sure what had drawn him out so late, or why he had ended up at the empty warehouse on the docks. He spent most of his life in this world just going through the motions, so the deviation from his normal nightly routine of staying awake and staring at the stars was rather strange. He paused at the open door, trying to see through the veil of darkness inside. Something in his gut told him to go in; he had spent most of his previous life trusting that feeling, and this time was no different.

A shiver ran up his spine as he stepped over the threshold, and his skin felt prickly –sure signs of alchemy. He crept in further, trying to quash the light feeling that was welling up inside him. If he could feel alchemy, that meant that Roy hadn't closed the Gate, even after all this time.

A glow caught his eyes, and he turned to find it was coming from the center of the warehouse floor. A feeling of unease swept over him, and he recognized the sensations as the one he had felt each time he stood vulnerable before the Gate.

It was here.

His eyes widened, and in that moment the light exploded forth in a rush of warmth.

* * *

Roy sobbed as he felt the power leave his fingertips. Light burst forth from the lines of chalk, pulsing past him and filling his ears with noise. It overwhelmed his vision until he couldn't open his eyes without being blinded.

When he could finally blink his eyes open, he realized that the light had gone –or rather, the light had changed into a void –and there was another _thing_ in there with him.

He raised his hand, not even sure if his alchemy would work here but ready to snap nonetheless, and called out. "Who's there?"

"…Roy?"

"Ed?" It couldn't be, he had to be going crazy… But it was Ed's voice and he noticed as he crept closer that the mystery person was Ed-shaped and had Ed's brilliant blond hair. That was all it took for him to start running, and soon his long lost lover was in his arms.

"I don't know what you did," Ed said, muffled against Roy's chest, "but it was probably an accident."

"So much faith in my abilities," Roy murmured back. They drew back and came together again, this time attacking each other with lips, teeth and tongue. Their hands clenched in each other's hair, scrabbled at each other's shoulders as they kissed. It was full of desperation and longing, and it was sloppy.

"I love you, Roy. I spent a lot of time regretting not telling you that," Ed panted against his mouth as they pulled away.

"I knew. And I love you, too."

Their reunion was interrupted because a few feet away the air began to stir, and a figure materialized. Ed seemed to recognize it and stepped protectively and unthinkingly in front of Roy, but the figure grinned and raised its hands in surrender.

"I'm not here to torment you, Fullmetal. We both know that that time is over."

Roy glanced at Ed, who was staring incredulously at the shadow-figure. "Ed? You know this…thing?"

The figure's attention turned to Roy, and it said, "You're closing the Gate, and I'll tell you right now that you'll succeed. I'm here to give you and the brat a last goodbye. And now it's time for you to go."

Ed made a noise in his throat, and the shadow-creature looked at him sharply. "You know it's time. You must close the Gate, both of you."

The white void began to dissolve around them and Roy managed to catch Ed mouthing 'I'll miss you' over the noise. Roy smiled at him, and then it was gone. He was back in the underground cavern on all fours, smiling through the tears running down his face.

He'd made his peace, and even though he would always love Edward, he could start to live his life again.

* * *

Edward landed flat on his back on the warehouse floor, the wind knocked out of him. He lay there for a moment, just staring at the cold ceiling and letting everything sink in. He would never go back. He would never see Roy again.

But he was given this one last chance, he'd said his piece. He loved Roy and Roy loved him, and there didn't need to be any words between them for the rest of their lives as long as they had that.

A peacefulness like he'd never known settled deep in his core, and made him able to get up and move on, finally content with his new life.

* * *

© TG December 2011


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